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|Thursday, May 17th, 2007|
NJ Wild Fire Pic
Yeah thats right the action doesnt stop. Kime and I were placed on stand-by incase SOCH was Evaced. The above pic was about 1/2 a mile away from the fire, only 15 minutes from when it started. I am working on finding more pics online to show everyone, The smoke and fire took 5 homes and burned about 20-25 square miles of woodland. Through the whole emergancy, there were only two minor injuries to firemen, involving smoke related injuries. Current Mood: ;waves;
|Saturday, May 5th, 2007|
Here we are, Today, Kime and I are stroling about, and this is what we find. I didnt get many pics but, K and I spoke about joining one of the fire departments so we may get in on the action. It was interesting to walk up and see the flames engulfing the front of the house, and we ended up being first on scene. Even worse, Kime knew one of the people liveing there. Its just disturbing to think that flames, or water, or anything could just destroy your life in an instant. Fire Pic 2
one firemen was injured, but the family made it out ok, the firemen was treated for a leg injury. watching the smoke I came to realise that some friends were on the scene, and so I went to chat with them.Fire Pic 3
The fire continued on even after we left. Kimes eyes were bothering her, and I had taken in a little smoke... I am used to this... the peoples reactions, and I truely think its in my blood to bring some form of comfort to people... to make sure they know life is not over, and that even with as little as they have, live moves on. Its just a matter of placeing one foot forward, and leaveing the past as there is no changeing it. looking foward, and being greatful that nobody was injured physicaly. No lose of life...
I said physicaly because, emotonaly, mentaly, everything crashes. It seems life crashes under you.... I....
I dont think I could explain the emotonal meltdown without actually liveing through it... and I dont think I will try nither... Current Mood: jumpy
|Saturday, March 10th, 2007|
Gosh, I cant wait until another event, ;sighs; lately I have been locked up at home. Since my car blew up, I have been stuck. I am counting down the days to Anthrocon ^^ I cant wait and nothing will get in my way… I am still going back and fourth on that though, my funds are low as I am working on a new car, a 93 GMC jimmy. I am hoping this truck will last a little longer than the other.
Kime and I are trying to get out of our parents houses. We are still unsure of how to do so but I guess we’ll figure that out some day..
I want to type on a further note though… some things that well…. An old acquaintance said to me….
“You don’t want her to be happy doing as she wishes… You want her to be happy with you alone…”
;sighs; Isn’t that what every partner in a relationship should feel… ;sighs; I don’t know maybe I am stupid or something….
As of late I have hit an all time low, I don’t care about work or school or my family… With my mother in VA for a while, my father being a…. erm…. You know what, friends unable to drive, Kime so far away and well…. I am to a point I don’t care. A “breaking point” I guess… I need to find people to talk to… someone somewhere who doesn’t care about random ranting… eh, I guess their around for about $45.50 an hour XP
Another thing is my kitten. He’s kept me up for the few nights I am off, and the days I need to sleep, I really don’t have that option having to not only chase him but my brother around as well… even as I type Tiger is sitting on my shoulder pawing at my necklace.
How random is this?
;sighs; I have been online a lot lately, more than usual, but only to look up AC and FA, ;sighs again; Haven’t been eating much, actually I think I lost 12 -15 pounds, which isn’t good, my BMI was already a -.2 which means my bones and inner organs are suffering damage before this state… part of me says to find help, part of me says it doesn’t matter.
Kime leaves for Florida this week to… it will be some time before I can see her again without sneaking around or anything… 2 weeks from Monday before I can hold her… and it sucks more because my phone broke. [oh no cell phone anymore, sry guys] I cant say I don’t want her to go, I know she’ll have a good time and such, but still, the pup in me still wants Kime to hold him and just whisper into his ear the random things she thinks. ;sighs; I know she’ll come back, she has to right? ;looks up the rule books;
My main concern is that she’ll actually find a way to walk away… Yes, I have been pushing sometimes to leave her for HER own good… I don’t feel good enough for her or anyone as of late.. I have failed my plans of rejoining the PD and such. I am working on getting new security jobs but, chances are they may not come through.
;sighs; IDK why I am typing this like this, I am sure everyone is confused by now XD ;pops off some fireworks just for the fun of it; look colors ^^
Last thing, Thanks Kime for my new Icon ^^ <3 ;huggles;
Thanks for listening to my rant, ;waves; Current Mood: bored
|Thursday, February 8th, 2007|
|Thoughts now unburried....
;sighs; new day, new sights, and new thoughts... every day, I feel closer and closer to the way I was before..., their voices are fadeing, their actions now my own... I have been thinking more about who I talk to, I have been watching cartoons and laughing, but mostly, hurting inside... this constant pain in my right side, the feeling of my insides twisting and turning, I have been feeling colder and colder... and as much as I want to return to my public survice duties, I find myself turning away.
Today, today I thought it would be cool to join packs... well, not join, but to hang with them, I figured it would be a good way to meet new friends, a helpful way to introduce us, and all that... but K... well... she doesnt like the idea of asking help, or meeting or hanging with the members of the pack as she doesnt know them... I think she may be thinking about asking fuji, or others. I dont know why, but I choked when we began talking about that... look, that old feeling again, heh. I dont think I'll mind if I simply pass by and wave... but now... well.. I just dont feel like being told where to go, and what places to see, and feel that I shouldnt be around.
I dont know why I dont want to see fuji, guess the reason could be I dont want to see him pissed, or sad, or confused, or anything.... course this will be my downfall... I know someones gonna bitch at me about this post... but, I will post it anyways.
course there also could be the fact that well... I guess I feel small to him... I feel I know nothing. him and K had so much in common... and me... well. the most I could do was bark and cuddle. my drawing sucks, my thoughts suck, hell, I wonder if anything is good other than my driveing skills.
as for them... I dont know... I hear their voices, andsometimes its like watching through a window, other times its like I have control and they tell me what to say and do.... and others, I just do as I wish and block em out... I dont think I will hurt anyone... the little voices dont tell me to inflict pain or anything... heh, look mom, I am crazy XD
as for the people I talk to... I notice I talk less and less to my friends... Alen, Felisha, Jason, Tim, Hopeful, Mike and Phil... I didnt forget you guys... but... I just dont want to talk. I cant talk... so I move myself to that cliff and look across the night sky, and feel like I am missing something....
thats the other concern....
I look to the moon.... and my feelings are blank.. no want to howl... no warm feelings... worse off... I dont feel connected to kime... I wonder if we are in love now... I wonder if we will make it... I wonder to much... I wish it was simple... maybe Kime and I are driveing apart again... maybe... I am driveing her away.....
I'll leave everyone with a small, painless note...
I may be stupid, I may be blind, or brave, or an ass... but please... dont belittle my feelings... nomatter what the reasons are... I cant stand any lose... I guess thats why I am driveing everyone away... you cant lose someone if they arnt there anymore... Current Mood: ;sigh;
|Monday, February 5th, 2007|
questions... I question everything....
Who am I... more importantly What am I...
what do I like, what should I like.
why do I exist.
where do I belong,
what will become of me,
why do I hurt inside?
when will I be ok?
what would happen if I was gone.
why do people care of me,
why do I care of them.
where is my fur?
why do I suck at this job.
why do I bleed without pain, but hurt without blood??
I answered some of these questions...
what do I like, people, just being around people... I cant stand being alone.
why do I care of them. I am human, and being human is natural to care for others...
Why do I suck at this job... because, I cant stand putting 300 items or more on shelves over night and then sleeping all day and blah blah blah blah...
;sighs; to many questions for one night...
Anyone who wishes, please leave an answer...
|Sunday, February 4th, 2007|
|Questions that bounce and come back...
Hey guys, Emo wolf here…
;sighs; this time, I have some very odd thoughts… I think about the people I hang with and I find myself asking…. Why… why me…. They have other friends… so why do they want to hang with me… is it my attitude, or that they really like me, or that they want to use something [such as my police contacts or other] maybe its only because I hang with someone else… maybe its because of the way I act, or the car I drive, or where I work….
I know I cant be that good to get so many friends so fast… I mean… I spent a real long time with no friends… at least, not people I considered friends . what did I do to change that… who did I talk to, what did I say, anything at all? Is it because my family snapped, or because I am crazy, or, maybe its just because they have nothing better to do…
Don’t get me wrong, I like the friends I have… but I question, is it me they are friends with, or are there other reasons, or even another personality they liked… I just ask these questions to myself… and the answer is only another question…. Why do I ask these questions….. do I feel my friends arnt really friends….. I guess I really am crazy…. Current Mood: questionitive
|Saturday, January 20th, 2007|
|;sighs; music.... a very good tool to have...
i learned that music can tune about anything out of the piture... I also have been confused by the fact that fuji told me he didnt care and hated and bla bla bla and he comments still, and has me watched x.x ;dies; I dont know and dont mind much... its a good sign that maybe... just maybe he'll talk to me again....
other than that, thats the only thing I am sure of... I am getting ready for convention, getting money, a new car [yep the lincoln died on me in a very heroic death.... driveing 60 mph on the parkway... and the engine runs poorly, but it is running on just 5 of 8 cylinders XD its time to retire it to its grave... ;sighs; almost done pulling everything.... just need to get a few more personal tems, like Kimes pic, and my pic... ;sighs; I really dont wanna lose it... I had lots of fun with it... and while the rie was bummpy, for the most part it was fun, enjoyable, and at times... the most vital tool of my life.... I got away from my family, fears, problems, rescued friends, and damn near enjoied it.... ;sighs; I'll miss it...
on another note... I seem to be sleeping oddly, getting no more than 3-5 hours of sleep at home, hanging with friends and working.... nite crew sucks for that.... leave at 10 to go to work, and dont get home till nearly 9:30 10 in the morning, eat maybe, or fall asleep and wake at around 2 ta see kime, or talk to friends... hang if anyone is available, and then start the process over... work, eat, sleep, hang work eat sleep hang workeatsleephangworkeatsleephangWoRkEaTs
well,, breaks almost up so I will leave with a final note to the tiger thats moveing...
Good luck to you in the future, and may our paths meet again.... hopefully for the better, and not for the worse....
Love you Kristi
|Friday, January 19th, 2007|
I have unlocked yahoo again... sorry everyone... I havent been so confused, so dazed, lost or anything... part of me says go hang with hope and the others and part of me says no, wait at home like a puppy and wait for K, and even worse is I have no clue if K even trusts me.. she says its ok one second that she trusts me and then her trust goes away... I made a mistake yes... and god am I paying now... turmoil within and the sweet sounds of siolance.... thats right they are gone again....
;sighs; I really do wonder... was hawkar.. aeon... shino...... were they all fake? was my immagination really running wild... will it run wild again..... ;sighs; I have no explinations to this..... past or no past..... are they really me or now... hawkar the suppresser of my anger, aeon the fun and cuddly child that only looks for the good of others, or shino... the one seeking a lost love from her past..... all three tie to me.... I used to and still do, hold back my anger until I reach unproportionate outbursts, Hawkar demonstraits this.... and aeon.. well... its my belief that everyone has a child within, and its that child that enables them to play and have fun and enjoy life the way we should...... and shino is personal.... 10 years..... ten years ago I met that other girl..... could zero been within her at first and transfurred over.......
it doesnt make sence but it does... could this be fake.... could I really take the controls again, and steer my life off of autopiolet.... what will become of me if I do.... what will happen to hawkar, aeon and shino.... what will I do when they're gone.... can I forget this... can the past be hidden again... so many confusing questions..... but as my new friend alen said.... "voices within are a sign of souls that may come out... in the mean time, the soul that is out, usually is trying to get back in..."
[for those who dont know pholosiphy that means, for the great ammount that wish to be counted for, theres always the one main guy, the leader, that wishes to be hidden.... another words, the boss wishes to remain behind closed doors and to get away from where he is while his workers handle the show, but want to get to where the boss is.]
I wish I could put something better but I am dead tired and since theres no voices I am going to sleep...
If you read this K, love you and thanks for the ride and breakfast.. Alen said your a life saver.. call when your done reading or when you can, <3 oh, and if nobody answers the house phone, just start talking over the machine, we'll hear you and answer very quickly...
This is to alert everyone that all is not well anymore... another fight... and the war began... it will be a short war... I hope.... tonight alone I am exhausted.though I am glad to say it does not involve those I thought it would... Shino and little aeon, and hawkar are duking it out... the sounds of swords clanging, the sounds of guns fireing, and whips snapping.... I physically hurt... mentaly cry and all of their shouting voices can be heard.... pain, anger.... its all I can hear now......
;sighs; driveing me crazy... I dont know who to tell... so I alerted hope, and I will most likely ask her for a ride in the morning and then tell her that contact between us will be dropped for some time again.... I have no choice.... so this is how things will be done...
To Kristi, I want you to understand you didn't start this war, but those within are now angered by anything... they all want something... they want someone, Shino wants zero, hawkar wants shino, aeon wants Era Dopple and Kime and I guess I just want Kristi.. ;sighs; non of them want the same thing, and so I am draged into this fight as well... I found where I need your help... just talk to me.... ask me whats goin on in my head, and keep asking no matter how stubborn I am, because sooner or later I will tell you... I cant hold anything back and you know that....
<3 you K
|the weapons clash
this is it... final war... ;sighs; if only everyone knew who or what I was fighting... I am at war with myself. yes thats right... myself... I cant explain it all... but let me put it to this... its a war nobody can ever win. Death is not going to be my fate, but I can ay that I am cutting off just about all of my contacts with a very very limited few [2 maybe at most] I warn that if you interfear without permission, you WILL.. not may, WILL be hurt, so I ask that if your help is not requested, you do not enter to assist.
I will update here often... FA doesnt need this about a loony wolf...
till then, I will always love, and never forget...
|Thursday, January 18th, 2007|
|one final act before I go...
;poof; gone, nomore... every little thing is an argument with everyone so therefore, war is about to erupt.. I prey that nobody is around when I explode... but if you are... good luck... its no holding back and love and care are gone... no this isnt hawkar.. this is me... I'm back and with a vengance!
|Life... only time will tell what we'll make of it....
;sighs; Hawkar... the name that is constantly on me... I guess night crew is the place he belongs... Dan doesnt like it, but he doesnt see the wolf twirling the thin blade ready to strike.. I am really trying to hold back on anything that I dont think is me... Shino, the lil lost wolf, and him..... I dont want them out any more... its ruined one friend ship and can destroy many more... including Kime and my relaationship... WE did a lot of work to repair ourselves and eachother.... but I see it going down hill again v.v
as for another thing.... There only 5 people who can really help me now... 5 people who have the power to chase away, or bring out a different part of me [non sexual] Kristi is a given, Mac, Phil, Fuji, and Hope... Those 5, I dont want bickering between any of you on the comments for this. just understand and agree that this is how it is for once... I hate fighting, and I hate this war between all of us... we were friends somewhat right? I think the only one not pissed really at any of us is Mac or Phill, and I dont think either of them can view this post.
I will start from the bottom of the list and work up, Hope... her touch... more her pet... I dont know why... she pets gentaly, and tht is enough to chase him away.... [usually on the back of the head, so dont think we are up to anything fuji]
then fuji, his smart skills, and sometimes cuteness... nobody can stay away from that tiger.... then phil's wacky comments and random thoughts. they always brought a smile to my face XD. and Mac... just her smile calms me down enough to get rid of any anger.... but Kristi.... Kristi kristi kristi.... Kristi, when she pets, has so much power my eyes begin to close, instantly I calm down, relax, and just want to lay there content.... I dream about it for some reason, its almost like an anime dream to ,, heh both of us smileing, I am leaning over her lap and shes just petting and laughing for some reason.... anyways... Kristi also has those very smart comments... a different look, outside the box most would say, but I think this is outside the box, circle,triangle, octogong, fish, parrot, and right in with the randomness of multible straight lines crossing eachother... the things she says quickly grabs my attention.... her other somments, random.... ;giggles; like her party... "Look I'm Mike!" [she had dressed up in exactly the same outfit I had on that night] or her voice effects... even her drawing... it just phases anger away....then theres her smile... I would Kill anyone that took that smile from her... hell I would kill anyone that harmed any part of her... her face.... beautiful.... more beautiful than the stars and the moon... and well.... the final thing for her is her love... she has shown more love for me than anyone ever.... she is addicted to me... just as I am to her... she is my drug.... and the only way to feel good is to be around her more... I dont know if it is the same the other way around but... I will love her no matter what.... took pain, it took loseing some friends... war.... bloodshed [on my part, not hers] and even a power burst to find out.... but I am glad to know now.... I have a better understanding of the relationship and while things will never be perfect, they are on the roads to being happy and love filled...
Please everyone, no killing eachother... I know some of you will be pissed off about my comments about others... but I want everyone to make it clean... this is a treaty of peace.. sign below to show no more fighting between us... even if it mean not talking to me or others.... just dont fight anymore damnit!
<3 you Kristi
and for others. Thank you for being there.... sign the peace off.... forget the past.... and work on the future... Current Mood: good for some reason
|Saturday, January 6th, 2007|
|This Space For Sale!!!
Thats right, Vessel hoppers, traders, sperits, and all those intrested in the market of Vessels one 20 year old male who is broken and empty not shy very depressed, bored, sucky job. in need of TLC... and maybe a hair cut... very cheep... call for price....
;sighs; not really...
I am broken.... I dont even know what to feel.... K said once that z... fire's feelings overwhelm all the others in her.... that its odd to feel something that is not your own.... she doesnt believe when I said I know what she means... I dont have long now, but, heres a quick short...
From the sound of things, Shino thinks Fire just broke up/ran off again and doesnt care... when I tried to explain I reread the note and saw the other reason whay shes pissed... "cause you havent got apgar" ... I have heard some things, and from what it seems, Kime has been a little hidden, but does it mean that she isnt really with me... or is it just a saying... did I read it wrong... it does look like aprgar...
it then tells us to call her things.... so shino sent a reply.... a very strong one....
Zero.... words cant describe the rage I feel.... YOU LET THE BROTHERS SEE THAT! Damnit... you f*- told them they dont have apgar... DO YOU REALISE THE F*- DAMAGE YOU CAUSED??? They dont want to talk to her again now... Even worse, you tell me your gonna f*- run off. that you dont want to go back. WHO THE F*- SAID YOU HAD TO GO ANYWHERE... yes I went to find you, but why the hell do you think I travled so far and so long.... I WAS WORRIED... and you say nobody cares.... I gave up my other relation to have you back.... my feelings for hawkar went away when I saw you.... when I finely found my true love... I guess that means s*- right.... I know you dont know how to express your feelings but... WTF!!! You want to know what you are to me... your little "your a bad bad bad bad man?"
Well, heres the shocking truth "Your a Careing, calming, comforting, and LOVEING MAN!!!!" is that what you wanted? Its how I feel so guess what, deal with it!! I have shit to get done..
just another thing to work through... I am sure... I hope... we'll be ok... c-ya
|Thursday, January 4th, 2007|
|I dont need a powerhouse, just more power..
Power... energy.... its what enables me... Mike.... to change.... Shino I have no clue, as hawkar I dont know... but I know younger Aeon actually draws power, I can feel it because I become him... none the less, that power must come from somewhere, and part of it was quoted in a sonic game. "Chaos is power, and power is enriched by the heart" Love can creat chaos, but not all chaos is bad... moreover, Love IS a type of power... a good lighter power... there are differances to.... Like evil power, thats what you creat when you do negitive things, and will power, the power to continue, it made by creating endurance, wit power is the ability to study, know more, and feel better and brighter and accomplished with every test...
By mixing powers you creat your personality... Forinstance, Love and will power, gives a long lasting relationship... the type of relationship that can last a lifetime, where Evil and wit powers combination are the high tech thieves that go on without being cought.
My power combination, Love, Will, Evil and a lack of witfulness...
This means I will be able to love deeply, for a long lasting relationship, but that I may be evil and well, in a way may hurt others in the process... this brings me to an explination of this year... I know I bugged fuji for life... dont really think I hurt him but I know hes bugged... and mac... shes confused... Hope wanted to date me, but I refused... but I created those feelings within her... but the worse was Kime... I let her down, and on that day... well... that event shouldnt have happened, I should have let things play out.... but change was needed..... it was needed, and the power to creat change came to play..... the powers of Love and change and god knows what else fell in.... Maybe thats why I am like this..... Maybe my power... maybe its so drained that I cant use that power for control.... but I am back... you can tell in my wording I am me right now..... I hear everyone in my hed, but the little one speaks the most...... "Your ship has sank....." "Where can I get some food" "damn your good" "I am in my place" these little phrases make me laugh for some reason, though I know somewhere in them lies a very important meaning...
Well breaks up Talk to everyone later, If you have questions or wish to know what powers I sence around you just comment ^^
<3 your very likeable Mike
|Monday, January 1st, 2007|
*sighs* Last journal of the year… I have a lot to recap on, many things happened, and most of which I wish didn’t… I don’t blame anyone but myself for this, I ignored the signs and so I paid the price..
This journal is open to all to see. This is where I usually just look upon my memories, and share them with the friends I know. But there are two people that should really read this, I know one of them most likely wont, but I wont mention their name. Kime and Fuji should REALLY read this…
I’ll start with the greatest [most important] events and work my way down… This kills me because this year there are two of them….I nearly lost Kime, and my family nearly fell apart.. I guess I’ll start with the family thing….
Dad’s been cheating on mom for some time, and mom finely took action…. The problem is, she was the only one holding the family together, now, ruins…. The house, the once thought of as a team….. all ruins… so I sit on the tattered couch and type away…. Or drive….. drive to unknown places to get lost….. to keep from going home so I feel normal again…
Normal…..haven’t felt that in a while nether…… not since…. Well… I guess a year now….. that was when fuji came into play….. wanted to be with him… he was cool smart…. And in more ways than I could count he was like K…. but different…. I guess that’s where the feelings came to play….. I really miss have’n him to talk to, to hang out with…. But I guess that’s what happens when your mind gets the better of you…. I asked him a very….. well, personal question, which leads me to Kimes story…..
Kime and I broke up shortly…. She was mixed and well, from the feel that I had, she really wasn’t sure what she wanted…. She was in love with another…. But not friendship love….. I guess a crush would work? So I asked her to choose, choose what would make her happy, or I would have to suffer in making the choice I thought would be best…. She walked away and that’s when I started posting here on LJ. Hope and I began talking and things between us became escalated…. I think both of us were a little blindsided…. And I guess we just went to far….. I could, no, should have said no…. but I didn’t….. that choice may have hurt Kime even more than when she walked away…. The day after Kime and I started talking….. a few weeks later…. We went back to BFGF…. But the question lingered in my mind…. Hope and I talked about it while I was single… so I asked K what she thought and she agreed that she thought the same thing….. so finely I asked fuji himself….. it was a private disclosed meeting in IM…. Nobody would see or hear…. But I had to ask……
“Agent Nite (12/5/2006 4:17:10 PM): ;yawns; hey fuji... wanted to talk to you... the only thing I ask is that you dont tell me K would be better off without me ok.
Fuji Kitty (12/5/2006 4:17:55 PM): I'll tell you the truth, whatever it is
Agent Nite (12/5/2006 4:18:16 PM): verywell, because the questions I have will need it,
Agent Nite (12/5/2006 4:19:54 PM): my first question is wre you trying to get K and I to break up? I heard a story on how you were trying to get K to break up with me and go with mac, then you were gonna break them up to date K yourself.... was that true? dont lie, I wont send this to anyone, not wolf, not K... but I need to know.... K and I have been wondering.... but I just dont know what to think.... is that the truth?”
Who would have known that question would have ended my friendship with him…. More over… I still wait for the true answer to the question rather than a reason around it like “why would I” Kime may be better off without me…. But the truth is, at times, I may be better off as well…. But I push through it because I love her, and I would rather be with K and fail at life than to succeed in life and not be able to share it with her…. Life to me, isn’t just Kime, but I rather have no life instead of a life without Kime… I think she feels the same way…
One month now, hard work to avoid calling him. But I become stronger in breaking the strings I set up to be able to talk to him in the first place….. One month and things changed so much…. One month….. its all that takes to flip someone’s life upside-down and then right side it again… but it takes a life time to return it to normal. I haven’t felt normal since then… I fear of losing Kime again, and I know she doesn’t like that… but when I finely wasn’t afraid…… when I thought she would stay in my arms….. she gave the ring back…. Muttering nothing but “I’m sorry….” I could only support her as a friend…. I refused to talk to Mac or Fugi for that time… K needed her friends….. so if that left me alone so be it…. But I wasn’t alone… Tanapa, Phil, Minion, and countless others stood up to catch my fall….without all of them, I most likely wouldn’t have made it through….
Well, enough of the emo drama… EMS…. Yes, I was removed from GBEMS, but I work on my own now…. Bounty hunter… what fun…. My EMT card expires today…. This last day of the year…. 01/01/07 I will be just regular Michael Ayers Jr, because I think my Class 1 cert expires as well…. ;shrugs; no complaints…. I guess life will become easier now…
Kime and I left the explorers post…. And ironically, Kime and I were engaged…. ;sighs; I even had the recording from a radio station congratulating me on being engaged [thanks Kasy] I deleted it, and got rid of all the reminders of our relationship…… I wanted to remember but wanted to forget………
Lets see…. One of my icons…. Well the second one since I moved down to LETH, passed on this year…. Dale Earnhardt in 2001 died in a race accident… an this year, The croc hunter… Starting to make me not idolize anyone anymore…
;sighs; This year seems to have sucked… Made friends, lost em again, failed college, still may lose Kime [I sense she is about to, as much as it would hurt her, walk away from what I keep causing her….. maybe…. Maybe I really am not helping her any more……..]
Got another away message, this one is really buggin me now, I’ll blank out the name, but the guy knows who he is and I ask very kindly that he please stop sending these messages…
blank (12/3/2006 12:21:45 AM): Why don't you just give it up?
Agent Nite (12/3/2006 12:21:57 AM): my relation ship, because I love her.
Agent Nite (12/3/2006 12:22:06 AM): I love K more than anything or any one.
Agent Nite (12/3/2006 12:22:11 AM): I cant give up.
blank (12/3/2006 12:22:14 AM): You say you want her to be happy, but that's a lie
Agent Nite (12/3/2006 12:22:16 AM): I gotta go.
Agent Nite (12/3/2006 12:22:21 AM): ??/
blank (12/3/2006 12:22:26 AM): because you want her to be happy as long as it's with you
[older message I know, heres the new one]
blank (12/30/2006 10:19:44 AM): you know shes better off just walk away now and spare her the pain…
v.v Another one that wants me to walk away from Kime….
[[more to come WIP]]
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
Other events... had not one, not two, not three, but four fist fights with my father ofer the last 12 months v.v I hate fighting but I hate fighting family more.. he instigates the situation so much, pushing me, and then he throws the first hit.... part of me wants to knock him out... but at the same time part of me wants to protect him.... What should I do... I cant control anything anymore and worse off.... what if he hits sean..... I never thought about killing but I would kill anyone that laid harm to sean.... or kristi... or fuji or phil or hope or minion or corey or mac or beth or laura or any of Kimes or my friends... ;sighs;.. sometimes I just wish my father had died many years ago.... or that he had walked out back then and never returned...
there were good highlights as well this year... got my car, fixed it up, and now driveing it ^^ I love this machine, it is vital and enables me to see kristi. its the best tool I have.
top that off, I have made many friends this year at college... started my fursuit, returned to the furry world.... god there so much to list, good and bad... maybe I cant post it all.... it just seems to blurr together cause its so much in such a short time...
Lets see... found a new hideing place. and such in the woods but havent been there in a while...
;sighs; I need to find a place where I can wonder and play. ;wonders where that place may be;
hehe sry I had to ^^ I find that I am being me more and more.... much more like the old me.... before Lin... I found out who that voice was when I was younger.... that voice I let in my room every night so I didnt feel so alone.... his name is Aeon. the younger of the two brothers, heh, at least thats what I think.... as for the older Aeon.... well... they didnt really have a name before but Kime named them.. I remember ver little about the childhood I had, but I remember the one time I actually saw the shadow. I cant remember it much, just some spiky hair [soft spikes, not sharp ones] more like ruffled hair...;sighs;
anyways, oddly enough the Aeon brothers look just like that... soft... ruffled spiky fur..
|Saturday, December 23rd, 2006|
|an explination, and 10 wishes for christmas
I finely realized what happened to me, why I am like this… it took talking to Shinoren [I think that’s how its spelled, but I remember her name for once] but I finely realize what may need to be fixed…. If it can be fixed v.v
When I heard about K… I… I locked away all my feelings, everything, even the memories, and well… in doing that I never fully unlocked… everything still locked and confused… Part of me now says she’s gone, and the other half of me says she’s still dating me…..
v.v to go into detail, when K and I split up, I locked everything in my heart…. That’s why I was in so much pain, to lock down while others are keeping you from locking is hard… so I didn’t lock correctly nether…. So, I guess I am an open and locked safe. V.v it still hurts inside.
What’s worse the feelings that are missing…. I don’t feel them for anyone…. And it scares me more that I cant feel them for K…. they are some of the feelings that were locked down. I love her so so much, I hold her dear…. But…. It feels like there's something missing now…. Like I am forgetting to do something…. I don’t understand why though….
Christmas….. just another day….. everyone wants to buy me something but yet…. I don’t want anything in an item form…. I guess there's only ten things I really wish for Christmas,
10: to have my old friends from Hawthorne to talk to… they know how I used to be so maybe they can help me out… ;shrugs; I miss them.
9: Normal… to be normal…. No third person views or talking to myself or MPD or anything…. Just be me….
8: to be able to feel again…. To share special memories with whomever I fall in love with [hopein it is Kristi though]
7: Snow… I want snow on Christmas… to feel the small cold flakes land on my skin and melt into water to renew all…
6: time…. Time has been a big factor in life… lately it seems there is no time for anything any more….. I wish there was but ;sighs; guess only so much time before time is gone…
5: to return to 96 Tavistock to get a picture of the emblem that K drew on the roof beams…
4: to have my family back… not broken or father doing illegal things or anything like that….
3: I want people to accept me for who and what I am… no “oh that guy has a collar so he must be a fag.” I am a wolf, its ok to accept me as a wolf, I am what I want to be, even if its something someone doesn’t approve of.
2: I want my time with Kristi, just to hold her and say I love her…. But there's one thing I would want more,
1: I want to spend a special holiday with the ones I love, the ones I believe to truly be my family, and the ones that earned the right to be called my friend…
I have a chance to the last one…. To spend the day with the one I hold in my heart…. I just hope I will be able to… I must go now, moms here and I gotta go watch sean, take care everyone.
Love you K, and merry Christmas, happy holidays to everyone incase I don’t write again before Christmas. Current Mood: eh gettin by
|Thursday, December 21st, 2006|
|hero to zero
Hero to Zero (and back again)
They all seem to be calling
I am on the ground coughing,
What once used to be a legend,
Is now just a person,
Fighting for reason, protection, and justice,
How should I know it would have been for nothing.
Working hard, pushing harder,
My life now fallen apart,
Nowhere to hide, nowhere to go,
I just simply continue callin,
Help, anything, something to get me on my feet,
But in the end I have fallen and I cant get up again.
From hero to zero,
What’s it matter now,
The people have locked me as a villain,
But one day they’ll se their mistake,
Of sending me from hero to zero and back again.
Holding that knife,
Licking that blade,
I wanted so much to play,
Wanting the blood on the walls so bad,
Wanting to see him fall but I am mad,
I am the one that was wrong,
so I dropped the knife away,
Today’s battle wasn’t over anyway,
So I tried to stand and tried to walk,
Who would have known when he tried to talk,
Knocking me on the ground again,
I just simply held my ground from him,
From hero to zero,
What’s it matter now,
The people have locked me as a villain,
But one day they’ll se their mistake,
Of sending me from hero to zero and back again.
I spent my time,
From those crimes,
But in the end,
I was left with nothing,
So I stayed with the one person I had and then
It was like she just drifted away,
Faded to the past and I was afraid,
I was alone again and not a good thing,
I was alone again, and this time I wasn’t ready.
I lashed out whenever I needed.
I reached out for nobody’s help,
I simply tried to stand up again,
But truth be told I cant be your hero again.
I simply laid on the ground.
Nowhere to go,
I just closed my eyes,
Imagined I was in hell.
From hero to zero,
What’s it matter now,
The people have locked me as a villain,
But one day they’ll se their mistake,
Of sending me from hero to zero and back again.
From hero to zero,
What’s the matter now?
All this screamin, all this yellin,
Everyone wants some help now,
But they sent me from Hero to zero,
and I cant get back again. Current Mood: going insane
|Tuesday, December 19th, 2006|
v.v I lost my collar yesterday, and I have felt lost without it, if anyone has found Aeons Collar please tell me, thank
|Sunday, December 17th, 2006|
|Till Death Do Us Part!!!
finely I heard Hawkar speak those words, mentioning to hope that his job, as with others in his profession, [which apparently came to be after he sold his soul] is to follow bodies to their death. scary isnt it... he said no heaven, no hell, and that until I die, he would be stuck in this form... sucks to be him... I dont plan to die anytime soon :P
anyways, i hung out with tanapa and fell asleep at her house again... I always seem to fall asleep outside my house, guess its an early stress indicator. No I didn not have sex this time, and I am kinda proud of that. I just hope I can sleep over Kimes some day, maybe even with Kime... ^^ That would be awsome hehe but in my future and later dreams v.v
tanapa told me something that kinda made me giggle, mostly because it was something Kime and I had gone through the first time we did anything. Like I said Tanapa, you have nothing to worry about, just do your plan for now and if ya need help/support I'll always be somewhere.
ok I need some rest, TTEL
*waves and runs to the woods* Current Mood: W00T!!!